Randy & Nena Plus 2 and a Dog

Okay, so the title doesn't have the same ring to it as Jon & Kate Plus 8, but at least a reality show about my life wouldn't be as annoying as the show about the prolific now-divorced couple and their eight children -- twins and a set of sextuplets. 

Generally, I hate reality TV, but I been riveted to the tv by shows like Intervention and First 48 Hours.  My guilty pleasure used to be the show about Denise Richards, known mostly for being Charlie Sheen's ex and for kissing Neve Campbell in Wild Things.  Randy's reportoire is considerably broader, with shows like Cops, Inside America's Prisons, Dog: The Bounty Hunter, and Operation Repo commanding his attention while his very own reality show called Your Life takes place around him.  I don't mind that he watches these shows.  It's just that I don't get it.  These shows all feature characters who are all, well, clowns, or buffoons, or, okay, I'll say it even if it's politically incorrect, so trashy.  And the predicaments these clowns find themselves in are usually of their own making or due to their stupidity.  I think it's a bad sign when after watching one of these shows the first thing I think is, "Well, that's 30 minutes of my life that I can never get back." 

Randy told me that a new show was coming out that he was interested in seeing, called The Exterminator.  The producers couldn't even come up with a clever title -- it's a show about exterminators, people whose job is to kill bugs and such.  I mean, really, if Hollywood has to resort to that, they should consider giving me my own reality show.  Surely my life could offer up more excitement than stomping out insects.  Think about it, I told Randy, it could be a show about regular people and their regular lives.  The masses would identify with it because it would be just like their lives.  It would be a huge hit. 

So this morning I was imagining what a camera would capture if my life were a reality show. 

The day started off tense, thus creating the type of drama that hooks the audience:  we woke up at 7:15 because Jagger didn't wake us at the usual time of 5:30.  Skyler ran into our bedroom already dressed for summer camp.  Not hearing any noise from Jagger, who only recently began sleeping in his crib in his nursery instead of in our bedroom, I asked Skyler to check on him.  He was sitting up playing by himself and began flapping his arms with glee when he saw his sister.  There's your cute factor.

Having accidentally slept through the night, I am in desperate need of my breast pump.  Okay, that part would have to be edited.  It's not sexy, glamorous or intriguing and it would take up more than half of our half-hour time slot.  Plus, the FCC might fine the network because for sure the powers that be are unelightened and think breastfeeding is more akin to nude sunbathing than nourishing an infant who otherwise would starve to death.

While I dress and feed the kids, Randy has to shave, shower, walk and feed the dog in time to leave to make an 8:30 meeting in downtown.  Oooh, suspense.  Will he make it?  Will Jetsam promptly poop? 

The dog compliant, Randy leaves on time.  I will be working at home today, so rather than taking Skyler to the bus stop so I can make my train to work, I can drop her off at camp.  Having promised her friend A. that we would give him a ride today, we make our way to his house.  But, wait.  The panel in my car indicates that my gas tank is empty.  Uh-oh, more suspense.  I decide that I need to pick up A. before getting gas since the gas station is on the way to camp.  I would of course explain such decisions as the camera closes up on my face.

On the way to camp, I try to entertain Skyler and her friend A.  "A," I say, "do you know how to say tongue twisters?"  "Yes," he answers.  "Let me hear," I say, waiting to hear about Peter Piper picking pickled peppers.  "Tongue twisters," he replies.  He got me there. Skyler laughs hysterically.  Humor, check.

Unfortunately for the network, the ratings will not go up due to an episode wherein I run out of gas and have to push my car while my 5 year old drives.  I make it to the gas station to filler up, and deliver the children to camp on time.  With Jagger in one arm, Skyler holding my other hand, and A holding Skyler's hand, I look like a typical SAHM (stay at home mom) waiting to get home to pop my much needed workout video into the DVD player. 

But here's a twist: I am not a SAHM.  I have a full time job.  I work from home sometimes, but all that means is that I have to do all the things that SAHMs do AND THEN do my lawyer work.  I get Jagger home, feed him his breakfast, and put him down for his nap.  Now here is where it turns into must-see television.  Becuase for the next 2 -3 hours, I will be sitting at the kitchen table or in the morning room reading trial transcripts.  While the transcripts themselves will be filled with intrigue and excitement, that will not translate on camera, because I will just be reading the transcripts, not reenacting them.  Besides that would just turn my reality show into Cops. 

It is at this moment when I realize, with some mortification, that The Exterminator actually provides more entertainment for the masses than my life.  When I was single and childless, I remember reading an article giving advice to new parents. One piece of advice that for some reason stuck in my mind was "Stop telling people all the cute things your kids do or say. No one finds them half as entertaining as you do." Having been duly forewarned, I pull the plug on Randy & Nena Plus 2 and a Dog.   Before Randy & Nena Plus 2 and a Dog is even produced, it is canceled due to projected low ratings. 

The Exterminator features poisonous snakes, disgusting rats, and obscene numbers of cockroaches.  Plus, the Exterminator and his family all dress like circa 1980s heavy metal band members, and while we are not supposed to think they are trashy because that would be politically incorrect, they are.  All of that spells entertainment, baby.  My little family and I can't compete, even if we throw in our personal dramas and whacky adventures. My life is crazy and busy and wonderful and lovely and funny and stressful and filled with action, but maybe not the kind of action that makes for good reality TV. 

Just one more thing about Jon & Kate Plus 8.  I did like the opening sequence on their show.  In it, they say, "It might be a crazy life.  But it's OUR life."  My sentiments exactly.