Parenting Just Got A Little Bit More Complicated

We have lived in Finksburg for almost three years now, and I have yet to meet a couple of our neighbors. I think it has something to do with the distance separating all the houses, which are on around two acres each -- we don't just happen to see each other on the way out of the house. 

For the same reason, the kids don't just happen to see each other playing in the front yard, so Skyler doesn't have regular playmates in the neighborhood.  But recently, some of the neighborhood kids have been coming over and ringing the doorbell to ask if Skyler can play outside.  Randy and I were pleasantly surprised by their overture, and we were more than happy to let Skyler play with them.  Our enthusiasm was, of course, curbed by my public-defender-job-and-CNN/HLN-addiction-triggered paranoia about all things bad that can happen to little kids.  Nonetheless, we let Skyler play with her new friends on her playset in our yard or in her basement playroom, and we didn't think about the fact that the kids were much older than Skyler.  There is a boy who is in the 7th grade, and two girls who are in the 4th grade.

The other day, Skyler came running up from the basement to announce that one of the girls was having a bonfire at her house and wanted Skyler to come.  It was going to start at 9 pm.  Although Skyler was still on summer vacation, I told her she couldn't go because (1) it would be past her bedtime, (2) she is five years old.  What I did not tell her is that (1) I don't know the people who would be at said bonfire,  and (2) five year olds have no business going to bonfires unless they are camping with their parents.  Skyler went downstairs and loudly announced, "Bad news, guys.  My mommy won't let me go to the bonfire."  After a noticeable moment of quiet, Skyler came running back upstairs and announced, "Mommy, I'm going to the bonfire, and you'll just have to punish me for it later."

I remember reading an article about the Academy-Award winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow (yes, I say that with some sarcasm) who grew up in Manhattan with her director dad and movie star mom.  Gwyneth said that when she was in high school, she would sneak out of her house by climbing out her bedroom window and go party all night.  She used to leave notes for her parents that went something like this:  "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm going to a party and then clubbing afterwards and won't be back until tomorrow morning sometime.  I'm prepared to take whatever punishment you deem appropriate." 

I don't think Skyler came up with her remark on her own.  But it doesn't matter, because she still said it, and I'm sure she will learn things from other kids in the future.  Randy and I have never really talked about how to handle in-your-face defiance from our children.  Frankly, we didn't think we would have to think about it quite so early in our parenthood.  Also, we were lulled into a false sense of security because Skyler has always been a pretty compliant child who liked pleasing her parents.  We don't spank our kids.  So, when Skyler said that to me, I just gave her my sternest expression and said in an authoritative voice, "Excuse me?  Where did you learn to say that?  The answer is no." 

That time, it was enough to persuade her that hers was a very bad idea indeed.  Afterwards, I explained to her as patiently as I could that she would not be allowed to do certain things until she gets older, and that I'm just trying to keep her safe and healthy.  I also explained in terms that a five year old would understand that there is no way on God's earth that I would allow a child of mine to behave like Gwyneth Paltrow. 

I have to say, I don't know if I'm cut out for parenting an older child.

Randy and I are starting to talk about how to handle situations like that with Skyler, who is growing up really quickly.  For starters, we aren't going to let her play with much older kids (my sister, a 3rd grade teacher, pointed out that there is a reason why older and younger kids are segregated on the playground -- they are on different developmental planes.).  We are going to make a point of planning playdates with the other kids in the neighborhood who are around 5 or 6 years old, rather than the 10 and 12 year olds she was playing with that day.  I'm also explaining certain decisions to her, such as why she can't walk around the neighborhood in the evening with the 6th graders who invite her out.  Fortunately, she hasn't rebelled. 

The other evening we were driving home after dark and we saw those same kids riding their bikes near our house.  I reminded Skyler that she would not be allowed to go outside if they came and asked for her.  She explained that they would not be coming around.  I asked how she knew, and she said that she told them not to come during school nights because she is not allowed to play with older kids on school nights.  It's not totally correct, but it's close enough and, therefore, good enough, for me.