Mind Your Ps and Qs and Aunts and Uncles

 According to a book, A Quick Guide to Customs & Etiquette of the Philippines, that I once gave Randy as a Christmas gift, the Philippines is a hierarchical society, and respect for an deference to authority and one's elders is an important part of the culture.  The book states, "The Filipino expects those in authority to be parent figures, and automatically accord them respect.  A father's authority in the family is unchallenged, at least in public."

Because of the extreme importance of respecting our elders, Filipinos have various titles to address their elders.  For example, I call my parents' contemporaries "Auntie" and "Uncle" even if they are not technically my aunt and uncle.  Another term for them would be "Tita" and "Tito."  People who were the contemporaries of my grandparents would be referred to as "Lola" and "Lolo," the Tagalog term for "grandma" and "grandpa."  Again, it didn't matter that they weren't technically my grandparents, or even that they weren't related to us at all. 

Because Jagger is younger than Skyler, he will address her as "Ate" (pronounced "AH-teh").  (But Jagger currently calls Skyler "blublublub" -- he is only 8 months old).  Skyler refers to my brother's older son as "Kuya Miko" and older daughter as "Ate Maya."  She refers to the youngest as "Ading" which is a term of endearment for a younger sibling or cousin.

These terms of respect are not reserved for those significantly older, either.  My cousin, Kuya Gabriel, is in his 60s, and he has kids who are nearly in their 30s, so they aren't that much younger than me.  But they all call me Tita, since I am their father's contemporary.  In other words, there is a term of respect that is dependent on your place on the hierarchy.

This is not the case in America.  When I finished school and started working, I had a very difficult time getting used to calling my boss by his first name.  It just seemed wrong to me.  But at the same time it seemed so formal to call him "Mr. Riley" when everyone else was calling him "Bill."  I think it also made him feel old.  So I slowly grew accustomed to calling my bosses by their first names, and recently I have become comfortable with that.  Maybe it's because I'm getting older, but let's not go there.

When Randy and I were dating, I addressed his parents as Dr. and Mrs. Jones.  Randy called my parents Mr. and Mrs. Villamar.  I was always nervous that he would slip and call them by their first name.  I warned him before he even met them that calling them by their first name was a deal-breaker if he ever hoped to get their blessing to marry me. I'm just guessing, but any American hoping to marry a Filipino has about as much chance of getting parental approval if he called the parents by their first name as if he said the F-word to them.


After Randy and I got married, his mother wanted me to call her Dottie and Randy's dad Cal.  I was mortified by the thought of doing this, partly because I was afraid of my parents' wrath.  I protested a bit, but caved in at Dottie's insistence.  When my parents for the first time heard me refer to my husband's parents by their first names, they were, as expected, appalled, and reprimanded me for my bad manners, feeling as if it was a sign of a poor upbringing.  To them, it was bastos (translation:  rude). On the other hand, my parents asked Randy to call them "Mama" and "Papa" which is what all their children-in-law call them.  Randy was uncomfortable with this at first, too, but now he seems to really like it; he says it like he means it.   I must confess, I think calling your inlaws some variation of "mom" and "dad" is much warmer and loving. 
 
After Skyler was born I had a tough time deciding how to teach her to address her elders.  At first, I was teaching her the Filipino way.  But my friend Renee, who is white, told me that she didn't let her son call anyone else Auntie other than Renee's sister because it diminished the significance of the title to use it for anyone else.  My other friend R. had her kids call her non-Filipino friends Auntie and Uncle, but then those people's kids referred to R. and her husband just by their first names, so R. took that as a signal that the familial terms weren't welcome.  That gave me pause.  Also, I do appreciate that someone who is not related to us might not want to be called Auntie.  Still, having Skyler call my friends just by their first names sounded disrespectful.  It's not easy to ignore a cultural value that is ingrained so deeply in me.   
 
For me, the solution, while inconsistent, has been a good one, in my estimation.  Skyler addresses all Filipino people in the traditional Filipino way -- she has lots of Aunties and Uncles and Titas and Titos and Ates and Kuyas.  She addresses close family friends in the traditional Filipino way, too, even if they are not Filipino, because they get it since they have known me for so long.  In a surprising twist, Baltimore culture has solved the rest of the problem for me:  apparently, Baltimoreans address their elders as Miss and Mister followed by their first names. I'm not sure how that tradition developed, but I like it.  So Skyler addresses everyone else as Miss _____ or Mister _____.   My father would be proud.