My Target Shopping List (and it's not what you think)

The Ring, originally uploaded by NCVillamar.

My friend R. was telling me about a recent conversation she had with a friend of hers who belongs to a Christian Women's Group. After one of the group members mentioned that she and her husband had used one, a few other members of the group also decided to try a c*ck ring.

I assume that you gasped when you read that phrase. It's okay. I realize that it's not a term used in everyday conversation, and that it has some shock value. If you prefer not to continue reading this particular post, I understand. I will post something new and unrelated tomorrow. If you don't know what the asterisk stands for, then I suggest that this post may not be your cup of tea.

If you are still reading this, and you don't know what a c*ck ring is, you can look up the definition on UrbanDictionary.com. If you are my mother, and you want to continue reading this post, let's make a deal: I won't change the name of my blog and not tell you, if you promise never to discuss this post with me ever.

Now, back to the c*ck ring. It might have struck you as odd that this was the topic of discussion in a Christian Women's Group. Christian women have sex, too, you know. I'm a Christian, and I have two children. Their creation was not through immaculate conception. However, I do admit that I was plenty surprised to learn that regular people use c*ck rings.

To be honest with you, I didn't know exactly what they were, although I had a general idea (their name is rather descriptive, afterall). I did have the preconceived notion they were only used as props in Triple-X type movies. They were certainly the last thing I expected to hear about from the friend of a friend of a Christian Women's Group member.

But this post isn't exactly about the c*ck ring itself. Because what surprised me even more than the discovery of an unexpected group of c*ck ring users was the discovery of an unexpected c*ck ring seller.  Apparently, these women in the Christian group bought the apparatus at Target.

Come again?

I love Target. I shop there at least once per week. "Target" was one of the first words my daughter learned to read. My best Target purchase was when I was pregnant and my feet were really swollen, and I found a pair of cute flats on clearance for $3.00. They were designed by the same designer that sells shoes at Nordstrom for several hundred dollars. I received many, many compliments on those shoes, and they're still in good condition even though I wore them nearly every day for months, sometimes in the rain. I love Target so much that I spend my free time there. So when I heard that one of my favorite stores was selling this little doohicky, I simply couldn't allow that sort of rumor to go unchecked. Fearlessly, I set out to investigate.

My first attempt to verify this tidbit of information was on Tuesday night. Randy was out running errands when I realized we were out of diapers for the baby. I called Randy's cell and asked him to pick up a box of size 3 Pampers, the baby soft kind, with pictures of Elmo and Big Bird on them. "Also," I said, "Could you go to the condom aisle and see if they carry c*ck rings?"

Come again?

After I explained myself to my husband, he agreed to check. Minutes later, he called back and said that, unfortunately, Target was already closed so he had to go to the grocery store to buy the diapers. And, no, Safeway does not carry c*ck rings. Increasingly curious, I resolved to go to Target the following day.

I decided to limit myself to the three Targets closest to my house in this quest for the ring. Short on time, I made a beeline for the condom aisle. I think this particular Target had poor placement judgment: the condoms and related items were on shelves directly across the bench where people -- mostly moms with young kids and senior citizens -- were waiting to be seen at the minute clinic. Shopping for a c*ck ring is not for the weak or shy.

I guess I was expecting these items to be fairly conspicuous, capable of being identified easily from among the other related items on the shelves. But, alas, my mission required me to actually pick up packages and read the lablels to determine whether they were what I have been searching for.  I was amazed that at the first store, I hit jackpot. There they were, in all their packaged glory. FYI, they are not actually called "c*ck rings" on the box. Also, FYI, there are some that have special features, which for someone who didn't even really know what the standard features were, is a bit of feature overload.

So you're probably wondering if I bought one. I think that even in a blog where I reveal quite a lot, some things are better left a mystery. However, I can tell you this: There may come a time when I will refer to those awesome flats as my second best Target purchase.